Bipolar Memoirs
Taking a Class with Those Mentally Ill People
Part 2: What I'm Really Afraid Of
So I went to the first Peer-to-Peer class. I described in an earlier post my reluctance to take this class due to my expectations that the other people would be unlike me -- sicker, less functional, or something like that. Of course those expectations were completely unfounded. Everybody's just themselves, three-dimensional. Duh.
I now realize my real difficulty is not with them but with me. I am so afraid of sharing my mental illness with real people that I can't even do it when they have a mental illness themselves! I've become so anxious over so many years of having to hide it, deny it, gloss over it -- or avoid the problem altogether by never leaving my house -- that it feels almost impossible to break the habit and just be myself. No environment has ever felt "safe" enough for me to let down my guard, not even other NAMI programs.
That's a big reason I started the Facebook page (Bipolar Over 30). Like all of us, I need friends I can be myself with, who understand and support me -- and for me the best way to do that is with online friends. We have formed our own community, and that is a life saver for me.
But perhaps it's time for me to dip my toe into the "offline" world and test the waters. So I'm making it my goal for myself in this class to learn to be myself with other people I know are not going to judge me. To relax enough to take off the mask. And perhaps make a friend or two in the process.
Thanks for listening.
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